A Tale Of Two Divorces

Jay was in marriage counseling with his wife. After a series of unsuccessful attempts by the counselor to find common ground, the counselor asked Jay’s wife what she wanted to do and she replied that she thought that she and Jay would get a divorce.  

The next day Jay went to work and asked a friend who his divorce lawyer was. Jay called that lawyer, set-up a meeting, hired him, paid a retainer of $5,000 and filed for divorce. 

Jay didn’t know there were 4 different paths a couple could take to divorce. He thought he had to hire a lawyer.

Jay also didn’t understand that some lawyers are litigators and some lawyers follow a more amicable approach to divorce. Jay’s lawyer turned out to be a litigator.

Jay didn’t want a litigious divorce, he wanted to be amicable and find healthy ways to divorce for the benefit of the children. But it turned out he made the wrong selection of a lawyer and of the method to divorce.

Jay saw paperwork from his lawyer and motions being filed, but no progress had been made. Jay was asked to replenish his retainer with another $5,000, for a total of $10,000 to date.  

Finally, Jay was asked to attend a number of hearings in front of a judge. He didn’t know what to expect, but he quickly learned why his divorce was starting to be so expensive. His lawyer was working for him and billing for his time, but they both had to wait to be called by the judge. When called by the judge Jay accompanied his lawyer to the bench but rarely was able to speak. Instead he listened to his lawyer talk to the judge. Many times he realized that neither of them understood the children’s needs or the financial implications of their decisions. Jay leaned toward his lawyer and whispered that the judge didn’t understand the issue and Jay’s lawyer told Jay that it doesn’t matter because the judge already made his decision. Jay realized that neither his lawyer nor the judge were expert in children or finances, and he realized he was paying enormous amounts of legal fees just to listen to two people talk about his children and finances who knew nothing about either.  

Jay’s divorce took 18 months. Jay replenished his retainer 4 more times for a total cost of $30,000. Jay took numerous days off work to sit in a courtroom and wait for his case to be called. Often times Jay waited all morning, only to find out the judge ran out of time and needed to re-schedule Jay’s hearing.

In the end, after 18 months and $30,000 of legal fees, Jay was divorced. He thought it was finally over. But that was not the case. Jay learned that his final agreement was not as thorough as needed, especially with a litigious former spouse. Jay’s spouse continued to litigate and Jay found himself back in court numerous times, waiting for a judge, waiting to defend himself, while paying more legal fees. Worse yet, all this time his children saw both of their parents in court constantly, always in conflict. This was not the impact Jay wanted on his children. 

In the end, Jay’s former spouse alienated his daughter from Jay. Jay was divorced, but had spent nearly $60,000 in legal fees, saw his children greatly impacted by the divorce, and was alienated from his daughter.

This was not the kind of divorce Jay wanted. 

Jay learned that hiring a lawyer and choosing a litigated divorce process was a terrible choice, but he didn’t know better.

Matt and his wife decided that they had exhausted all of their options and that they were going to divorce. Matt understood that calling a random lawyer to divorce was a terrible thing to do because he had heard stories from his friends about how terrible their litigated divorces were to their families.

Matt asked his wife what kind of divorce she wanted. They both agreed that they wanted to be civil and fair, and that they wanted to leave their marriage amicably because they had children and wanted to continue to be good parents for their children. Matt researched different options and told his wife that he thought they should consider mediation. Mediation allows them both to make all of their own decisions because they know their children and finances better than any divorce professional or judge.

Matt and his wife agreed to identify 1-2 mediators each and they conducted free consultations together to find a mediator who was a good fit for them.

Matt and his wife met with their chosen mediator one evening to start their sessions. The mediator started explaining the process and reminded Matt and his wife that the goal was to look forward, not backward, to find good solutions for their family. The mediator reminded them that one of the keys to mediation is listening to each other and finding good compromises for the benefit of their family, and that the mediator would guide them along this path.

During the mediation process the mediator helped Matt and his wife understand all of the decisions they needed to make for their children and finances. The mediator asked them questions, listened to their responses, helped to make sure they both understood each others’ points of view, helped to pressure test their decisions, and in the end, gained comfort that they had considered all of the important factors before finalizing their decisions.

Matt and his wife decided on their parenting plan, their parenting principles, how they were going to communicate, make decisions together and contribute toward the children, how they will ensure that their children have quality time with each other and with their extended families, and so many other important aspects of their divorce. Because they made these decisions together, compromising where needed, they both felt heard and valued and they both respected the decisions that they made together. They both committed to remaining amicable and to always put the children first.

During mediation, Matt and his wife both obtained legal guidance before one of their sessions so they could make informed decisions about spousal maintenance, which was a significant financial decision.

Matt and his wife had to go before the judge only one time to get their divorce approved. After they were divorced they didn’t even look at their agreement again because they both always did the right things for their children, they remained amicable, they were flexible to help each other when needed, and they never stepped foot in a courtroom again. They spent a total of $7,000 for their divorce between both of them, and their divorce was completed in 3 months. They had a better agreement than Jay did, at a fraction of the time, stress and expense, and neither Matt nor his wife left the marriage with baggage that often accompanies a litigated divorce. As a result, Matt and his wife and children were all able to move forward in their lives quicker and in a much healthier manner than Jay’s family was able to do.

Matt and his former spouse, his co-parent, remained on good terms and their children were hardly impacted by their divorce. Matt and his children’s mom shared many of the children's celebrations and shared their joy as parents of their children. Their children knew their parents were divorced, but they always felt their “family” was still intact, in two separate homes.

Jay and Matt’s stories are not fictional, they are true stories. Jay’s story is my story. The impact on Jay and Matt and their spouses and children are in deep contrast to each other. Jay’s divorce was unhealthy for everyone and very costly, and Jay was alienated from his daughter. Matt’s divorce was very amicable, hardly impacted their children and Matt was able to save substantial funds that were used to build his new life and provide a healthy home for his children.

Jay’s story (my story) is why I am a divorce mediator. In all the time I spent in a family law courtroom waiting for my case to be called I observed hundreds of hearings of other couples’ litigated divorces. I couldn’t stand hearing the conflict, knowing how the outcomes would so negatively impact the children in each family. During the time that I sat in the courtroom I made a promise to myself that I would become a divorce mediator so I could help families divorce more amicably. I earned my divorce mediation certification from Northwestern University and I built my practice, where I am currently helping so many families divorce in a healthier way. I am full of gratitude knowing the positive impact I am helping to make for my clients’ children.

If you are considering divorce reach out to me. I provide extensive free consultations where I am passionately driven to help you understand your options and priorities. You don’t have to work with me to benefit from these consultations, but if you do you will get my full attention, dedication and commitment to help you get through this very stressful process in the healthiest way possible, with the best outcomes and at the lowest possible expense.