Pre-Divorce Advice

A marriage is a lifetime partnership. It's a process of learning, caring, and understanding that allows partners to feel fulfilled and grow in love.

We often check in on our finances and health, but do we really assess the strength of our marriage?

The first step is to take a hard look at the state of your marriage. Evaluating marriage involves looking at red and green flags. Reflecting on these signs helps determine if your marriage is truly over or if there's still hope for reconciliation.

• Are you two just going through a rough patch, or are there deeper, more systemic issues at play?

Importance of Interpersonal Relationships

Your feelings about your marriage depend on your relationship with your partner. It includes how you ask for what you want, resolve differences, avoid conflict, express feelings, and discuss concerns.

Signs Your Marriage Shouldn’t Be Over

• Love is a powerful reason to fight for your marriage. If, deep down, you still love your spouse, it's worth considering if the problems can be resolved with effort and support.
• Your family's well-being can be a powerful motivator for resolving marital problems. If you believe that staying together is best for your family, you should consider all possible solutions before deciding to divorce.
• If you have faith that both of you are willing to put in the effort to reconnect and overcome concerns, your marriage has a chance. Believing in the possibility of rekindling your love and rebuilding your marriage is a powerful reason to try.
• Love changes over time. Children change the dynamics of a marriage and priorities. With age, priorities also change, and aspects of a marriage that were not most significant earlier in your relationship become more important as your family grows and you share joy over what you have created.

Signs That Your Marriage is at Risk

• A lack of commitment, trust, and intimacy can make you feel like your marriage is crumbling. Trust can be extremely difficult to repair when broken by infidelity, dishonesty, or other factors. Intimacy is essential, both emotionally and physically. Without it, you may feel like roommates rather than partners.
• Healthy communication is key to resolving conflicts and maintaining a strong bond. If every talk turns into an argument or if you're met with silence, it indicates that something is fundamentally wrong. A mean spouse or toxic atmosphere, defined by continual criticism, negativity, or anger, can make it impossible to feel safe and happy in your own home.
• When your life goals and future ambitions are drastically different from your spouse's, it can be difficult to find common ground. This leads to constant disagreements and a sense of working against each other rather than as a team. Cooperation is important for overcoming life's obstacles together; without it, your marriage can suffer greatly.
• If you find yourself making excuses to spend more time away from your spouse - at work, with friends, or alone - it's a red flag. Everyone needs personal space, but wanting to be away from your partner more often than not indicates a deeper problem in the relationship.
• A lack of care and respect makes it difficult to maintain a healthy connection. Similarly, if the physical or emotional attraction has faded, the relationship may feel like it has lost its spark. These elements are essential for a fulfilling and loving marriage.

Divorce has positive and negative consequences for both parents and children. Apart from the benefits like escaping unhealthy relationships, gaining freedom and independence, creating room for personal growth, and providing a better environment for children in cases of high-conflict or abusive marriages, knowing the potential negative consequences can help prepare for the challenges ahead.

Divorce is often emotionally and psychologically taxing, leading to stages similar to grieving:

• Denial: At first, you or your spouse may find it difficult to believe that the marriage is about to end.
• Anger: Feelings of frustration and resentment may arise as the reality of the situation sets in.
• Acceptance: Over time, you or your spouse might come to terms with the divorce and begin to move forward.

How will your spouse react to the news?

Reactions can vary widely. If the relationship has been under stress for a long time, a spouse might feel relieved, while others might feel shocked, betrayed, or devastated. Anticipating your spouse's reaction can help you approach the conversation with empathy and preparedness.

Practical Considerations

Once you open Pandora's box of divorce, it’s challenging to reverse paths, not to mention the financial and legal consequences of lengthy and expensive court fights if you can't negotiate a settlement.

Marital Home and Living Arrangements for Both Spouses

Options in deciding what to do with the marital home include one spouse buying out the other, selling and splitting the proceeds, or maintaining joint ownership until a later date. Living arrangements for both spouses must be considered, especially if children are involved.

Splitting Assets and Debts

Bank accounts, investment portfolios, retirement accounts, and any property jointly held are all examples of shared assets that must be divided fairly. Debts, including mortgages, loans, and credit card bills, must also be divided equitably.

Child Support and Spousal Support Assessment

Child support makes sure the children's financial needs are met. Spousal support, or alimony, may be necessary if one spouse is financially dependent on the other. A variety of factors, including the length of the marriage and each person's financial situation, determine the amount and duration of spousal support.

Health Insurance for a Non-Employed Spouse

If one spouse is reliant on the other for health insurance, divorce can complicate their coverage. It's important to look into alternative health insurance options, such as employer-sponsored plans, private insurance, or government programs, some of which can be very costly.

Living Arrangements and Child Custody

It’s important to determine the children's living arrangements while executing shared custody. Considerations include physical custody (where the children live) and legal custody (decision-making authority regarding the children’s welfare). Parents can also make a commitment to each other to co-parent their children, which requires healthy communication, flexibility, and support to minimize the negative impact of their divorce on their children.

Being a Single Parent

Transitioning to single parenthood can be challenging. It includes managing household responsibilities, providing emotional support to children, and balancing work and family life. Building a support network and seeking resources helps ease this transition, but it is never easy.

Effects on Children

Divorce can have a significant impact on children. Their reactions and adjustments can vary based on their age, personality, and the level of conflict between their parents. Some common effects include:

• Children may experience emotional sensitivity, such as sadness, anger, or confusion.
• Children may exhibit behavioral changes like acting out or regressing as they cope with the changes.
• Divorce may affect children's academic performance, focus, and performance in school.
• Children may isolate themselves from peers or struggle to adjust socially.
• Children, when left with a broken home and heart, may experience a variety of effects during their relationships. Sometimes, this can lead them to avoid romantic relationships if they believe the outcome won't bring them happiness.
• Depending on the dynamics of the divorce, children may alienate from one parent if they feel that parent caused the breakup of the family.

When possible, I always encourage my clients to pursue further counseling to ensure they have done everything they can to enhance their marriage. If they decide they have to divorce, alternative dispute resolution methods like mediation are the healthiest paths for both spouses and children.

When to Get Divorced?

Sometimes, however, divorce is the only possible path forward, particularly if the marriage has become toxic, abusive, or just a constant source of misery despite all efforts. Staying together "for the children" can often do more harm than good if the environment is broken beyond repair.

In such cases, I put my full heart, passion, and professional effort behind my client to ensure they divorce in an amicable way that is fair and that preserves their ability to co-parent their children in a healthy manner. But even then, I always stress the importance of handling it with wisdom, grace, and forethought for what comes after. Divorce is as much a beginning as it is an ending.

Before discussing “I want divorce” with your spouse, it's important to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. This helps you approach the conversation with clarity and calmness. Steps to prepare:

• Reflect on your intentions: Be clear about why you want to have this conversation. Are you seeking a resolution, expressing your feelings, or informing your spouse of your decision?
• Outline key points: Think about the main points you want to discuss to keep the conversation focused and productive.
• Consider potential reactions: Anticipate and plan how you'll respond to your spouse's emotions, such as anger, sadness, or denial.
• Practice your speech: Rehearsing what you intend to say can make you feel more confident and less likely to get overwhelmed during the conversation. Approaching the conversation with empathy and respect minimizes conflict and builds understanding.

Constructive Dialogue Tips to Amend / How to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce?

• Choose the right time and place: Find a quiet, private setting where you can talk without interruptions.
• Stay calm: Keep emotions in check and avoid raising your voice, even if the conversation becomes heated.
• Use "I" statements: Express your feelings and experiences instead of blaming your spouse. For example, say "I feel unhappy because..." rather than "You never...".
• Listen actively: Give your spouse the opportunity to speak and listen to their perspective without interrupting.
• Avoid past grudges: Keep the conversation focused on the present issues rather than bringing up past conflicts.
• Be honest but compassionate: Share your thoughts and feelings truthfully, but also be considerate of your spouse’s emotions.
• Allow time for processing: Understand that your spouse may need space to process the information and respond.

Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help

Divorce can be overwhelming, so it's important to seek support when needed. Talk to a trusted friend or family member, join a support group, or seek professional help from a therapist. Having someone to talk to can provide comfort and help you manage your emotions.

Legally Protect Yourself or Have a Safety Plan

If there's any history or risk of domestic violence, it's important to prioritize your safety. Identify a safe place to go, keep important documents and emergency contacts accessible, and have a plan for leaving quickly if necessary.

• Consider getting a protective order or restraining order if you feel threatened.
• For assistance with domestic violence, reach out to organizations or support hotlines.

Divorce is a significant life event with profound emotional and practical impacts. It marks the end of a relationship that was once filled with hopes and dreams. The gravity of this decision can't be understated - it affects not only you and your spouse but also your children, extended family, and social circles.

Although divorce is challenging, it also presents opportunities for growth and renewal. It can be a chance to rediscover yourself, pursue new goals, and build a life that aligns more closely with your values and aspirations. Many people find that after the initial pain of divorce, they emerge stronger, more resilient, and more self-aware.

At the end of the day, you must do what's best for yours and your family's well-being, even if it means trying hard to work on your marriage or making the terribly painful decision to dissolve your marriage.

If mediation is required, I'm here to help my clients navigate the process with respect while creating healthy outcomes. I’m also a divorce mediator who is not a fan of divorce, so I also offer my clients opportunities to exhaustively fix their marriage before and during the divorce process, if desired.

Self-compassion is essential throughout the divorce process. Feelings of guilt, blame, or regret can easily consume you. Being kind to yourself, acknowledging your efforts, and accepting that it's okay to struggle can make a big difference in how you get through this phase.

Way Forward: Encouragement for Thoughtful Decisions

My role is to serve as a mediator and advisor to ensure a fair resolution and to guide you both to a good outcome. But the process must begin with understanding your priorities and being informed so you can make good decisions together. Rushing into decisions will likely create regret, whereas an educated and thought-through choice can help you move forward with confidence and peace.

That's my wholehearted advice as a divorce mediator who has seen the good, the bad, and the ugly of this process.

I'm here to help, but only you can make the final call on what's best for your life situation. I provide extensive personalized consultations at no charge that help you understand your options and priorities, regardless of which path you decide to take in your divorce.

My purpose is to help you find the best path for you and your family. You can always call me with any questions.

Schedule a free consultation at (224) 544-9990 to discuss specifics personally or you can learn more about me and my process at MichaelsMediation.com